Let me tell you a secret. - Jokes.

8.09 am - Jokes.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic".


"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.


But, when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun. "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."





How come Sherlock Holmes never paid any Income Tax ?

Brilliant Deductions.


How do you get a frog off the windshield ?

Turn on the Defrogger.


How do frogs take notes ?

On lily pads.


What happens to an illegally parked frog ?

It gets toad away.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually it came back to me.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.




Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they stumbled home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over. He phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

‘That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'



1 millionth of a mouthwash=

1 microscope


Time between slipping on a peel and hitting the pavement=

1 Bananosecond


Weight an evangelist carries with God=

1 Billigram


1,000 aches=

1 megahurtz


Basic unit of laryngitis=

1 hoarsepower


1,000 grams of wet socks=

1 literhosen




A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.



A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next each other on a long flight from London to New York.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and leans over to the window and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question and if you don,t know the answer you give me $5 and vice-versa". Again the blonde politely declines and tries to sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says "Okay, if you don,t know the answer you give me $5, but if i don,t know the answer to the question you ask me i,ll give you $500". Figuring that since she is blonde he,ll easily win the match.
This catches the blondes attention and figuring there won,t be an end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The blonde doesn,t say a word, reaches into her purse and pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it,s the blondes turn, she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look, pulls out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the net. Frustrated he sends E,Mails to all his friends and everybody he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour he wakes the blonde and gives her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer, totally frustrated wakes the blonde and asks "Well, what is the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep!!



Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.


Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'


CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS .....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual

experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've

been divorced three times."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison."



What type of food puts a woman off sex?
Wedding cake!!




A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running a gain! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'



There was once a young man who had an unfortunate speech impediment, he stuttered badly. Because of this malady he couldn't find a good job, so he made his living sweeping floors and doing odd jobs. But he was very intelligent and ambitious. Always looking to better himself he perused the want ads diligently. One day he saw an ad for a bible salesman, no experience necessary. He determined to apply and presented himself to the sales manager of the publishing company. After interviewing him for a few minutes the sales manager said, "Son, I gotta tell ya. You have a real problem for someone who wants to get into sales. I normally wouldn't hire you because of it, but I admire your courage and I'm going to give you a chance. I want you to go out and sell bibles for one week. If you've sold enough bibles at the end of the week you can have the job". So off the young man goes to sell bibles. At the end of the week he sits down at the sales manager's desk. The sales manager, with a bit of a smirk, says, "Well, how many bibles did you sell?" Without hesitation the young man said, "I s-s-s-sold t-t-t-ten th-th-th-thousand b-b-b-bibles". The sales manager sits bolt upright, his tie sticks straight out and his hat hits the ceiling. "Ten thousand bibles! That's unbelievable! Nobody's ever sold that many bibles in a month, much less their first week on the job! You're hired! But you gotta tell me; how'd you do it?" The young man thought a minute then said, "W-w-w-well. I'd j-j-j-just g-g-g-go up the house and kn-kn-kn-knock on the d-d-d-door. W-w-w-when the p-p-p-person c-c-c-came to the d-d-d-door I'd s-s-s-say, 'S-s-s-sir or l-l-l-lady, I'm s-s-s-sellin' b-b-b-bibles. Y-y-y-you want to b-b-b-buy this one or d-d-do you w-w-want me to r-r-r-read it to you?'"